fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
