i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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