I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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