Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
