I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I need to stop coming to work sober
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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