so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
