When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
