i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
