In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
