I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
