Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
