I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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