I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
