Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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