I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
