I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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