Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
