life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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