john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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