My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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