Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
farters have to be the big spoon...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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