I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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