There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
