you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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