If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
