Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
