my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
