Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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