Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
