I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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