Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
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