alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
