Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
