Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
