the condom got lost in my hair
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Randomize
