good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
