A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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