he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
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