Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
