I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
