so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
