just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
