I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
