Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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