My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
