Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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