Four minutes until I can fart!
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
