i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
