i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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