we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
