In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
